Cat Eyes and Lippy

A place for my girl thoughts and poetry

Letting the other shoe fall

I leave handprints in your skin
Scratches on your back
Not to hurt you
I just think you’re too good to be true
Still
Everything good leaves me
I have told you before
Every thing good leaves me.
You are my own personal smoke and mirrors
I am waving me hands above your head
Searching for levers and pulleys

Be Weary

If your ever worried about me
Look for signs between my lines
They are blaring
Sometimes screaming clawing
At my throat
If you ever need a sign
Ask to see a bit of writing
My words sometimes weep salty tears
Like sweaty palms
I you ever find me lonely
Look for off key notes in our conversations but
Please be sneaky
I beg you be fine
Because when I catch you
I’ll be weary
When I seek your search
I will be swept clean of all signs

Detached

I had coffee today
I should have had it black
I need something that doesn’t taste so good
I want something bitter on my tongue
Today I rode to work on fumes
I left claw marks on yesterday
They tore me away from last night
Kicking and screaming

Keeping Up

Surrounding me is a sea
Of activity
Swirling around my being
Like buzzing bees
But I am the bee keeper
Unalarmed by such
Mundane activity
The hive is mine
I am entranced by a glaze
It covers my senses
Like wool
Shielding me from feeling
Protecting me from being
And all I can think is
I must look so still
I must feel so cold
I can sense myself being robotic
Smiling because I am
Supposed to
Engaging in conversation to
Be nice
It is unfair
I know it is
Selfish
To stay so far within myself
But I haven’t the energy
To keep up
I haven’t the energy
Not today

Being sick makes me really vulnerable.

I’m surprised at how emotional I am feeling. I am also very frustrated and I feel like it need someone but they are all sleeping. And this feels way to familiar for me not to panic.

I can still see in the dark

I wanted to make castles out of
Night skies
I wanted to immerse myself in self pity like daylight has never known
Until I awoke days later
Raw from the mysteries of the dark
When it left me
I thought I’d never think another
Beautiful thought
Soon enough I grew flowers
Between stitches and bloodied wounds
I woke up remembering
Emotions on a first name basis
I still think with desperation sometimes
And for that I am happy

Inferiority

She was like a vintage movie star
Stunningly gorgeous
I finally realized why they called it that
She stunned
And I felt that tiny thing inside
Like pain
That whispered inferior in my ears
And I wondered if anyone ever felt this way because of me
And if they did I was more sorry than I had ever been

Clean

I left no mess.
I never do
When he split my chest open
Spilt the contents on the floor
I cleaned up just fine
Left his lips as clean as they came
Then backed away slowly
I left no mess
I never do
I always made a clean get away
I never left a drop on the floor
I scrubbed me clean off of his heart
Polished his organs to a shine
As if I had never been there before
As if my heart had never bled sticky and raw onto his chest
I cleaned up my emotions
Swept my love up
Picked it from the threads of his sweaters like lint
Never let them see you sweat
I said
If they do, clean it up
Call him a liar when he calls you on it
Laugh in his face at his accusations of love
Leave no mess
I never do

Until I met you
You and your tattoo kisses
And your finger paint hands
Your words made incisions in me
Bled my emotions like a cow split from thigh to chin
I wrapped around you like your name was forever
And tomorrow was less than a promise
We spread our leaks with abandon
Left our clothes in a pile at the door
And I never left a mess
I never let my heart bleed into someone
So fully yet here I am
Leaving my mess on your floors

Elevator Shoes

They keep me even
And I am scared to be uneven
Because bumps and patches of rough ground
Often result in falls
Falls that break my foot falls
And leave me bleeding
And I have bled too many times
And I know that some days are hills
Some days are plains
Often they are in-between
So I carve out spaces for myself
But you can’t live your life in holes
Or on elevator shoes
It’s why I’m loosening my grip
Day by day I am
Loosening my grip
And learning how to float

Being a Coward While Falling in Love

I am forgetful and anxious
And slow and too fast
And sometimes I move without thinking
But often I think way too much
And I forget to spellcheck my text messages
And I think thoughts only in my head
But you love me
You told me
You love me
Not despite but because
And I know that I said it first
But it fell from your mouth
With such abandon
That I had no choice but to believe it
And you wear your shirts inside out
And you touch me with the lights on
And you won’t shave those two hairs
That grow out of line
And you wear pants in the summer
And I don’t love you despite
I love you because
I will always love you because